Langsam und schmachtend, baby

It has come to my attention (via oboeinsight, I think) that Muso magazine ("The Music Magazine That Rewrites the Score"—but still keeps it within the point spread) is conducting an online survey in advance of St. Valentine's Day. And since they're "the magazine for the younger, more open-minded generation of classical music fans," the survey is naturally about sex: which instruments are the sexiest, which instruments get the most action, which instruments have sharp metal bits that you might want to look out for. Personally, I'm impressed that they got through the entire thing without a pun on the term "combinatorial." (Though remember, kids, thanks to ballot initiatives in the 2004 election, retrograde inversion is now illegal in 35 states.)

Do you think playing a certain instrument can make a person more or less attractive?

Does signing a commission check count as "playing an instrument"?

It's mostly multiple-choice questions, though really, asking which instrument is the sexiest and not including "accordion" is like asking which Prime Minister is the greatest and not including "Churchill." And maybe I'm old-fashioned, but under "How many sexual partners have you had?" I would have included "1,003" just for sentimental reasons.

What is the most romantic thing you have ever done?

Once, I was overcome by madness and threw myself into the Rhine—oh, wait! Sorry! Lower-case r. My bad.

The questions do get pretty personal, and although they "can assure you this is completely confidential", you just know that if you show an unusual predilection for the oboe, your picture is going to end up on the cover of Blair Tindall's next book. Still, I suppose it's an optimistic sign that some group of marketers out there thinks that the classical-music demographic somehow overlaps with the readers of Cosmopolitan. In next month's issue: 16 alternate fingerings that will leave him begging for more!

Pin-up by the legendary Pearl Frush, courtesy of The Pin-Up Files (parts of which are definitely NSFW, as if you needed to ask).